What if Charleston Wasn’t the #1 City?

By Mark A. Leon
By Mark A. Leon

Let us close our eyes for a moment.? Suspend our understanding of reality and imagine we are transported into another parallel universe.? The date, time and location are the same, but the city of Charleston, as we know it, no longer exists in its present state.? We were not voted the Top City in the United States or one of the top in the world.? We didn’t even make the list.

What would Charleston look like if we weren’t number one? Here is the new Charleston (Insert creepy science fiction music)

  • Due to the lost revenue we are not getting from tourism, toll booths are added to the Cooper River Bridge causing massive back ups in and out of the city (Even worse than they are now).
  • Ghost tours are down forcing all the local area ghosts to move to Boca Raton, Florida and reminding the residents there that they will be neighbors from beyond soon.? They also provide training classes for those that choose an eternal career of ghouling.
  • Ohio is now the official sister state of South Carolina with New Jersey serving as the runner up in the event that Ohio is blown away by a nuclear missile or zombie infiltration.
  • Carnival Cruises have cancelled all port stops in Charleston.? Now only pirate and Viking ships dock
    Toll booths on the Cooper River Bridge

    in our harbor.

  • Joe Riley Stadium is officially changed to Caddyshack Field.? We need all the help we can to bring in more tourists.
  • Darius Rucker in a stunning announcement on Access Hollywood announces he was really born in Atlanta, Georgia.
  • The Cooper River Run is replaced with a 10K Mud Challenge where the span of the bridge and King Street are transplanted into a sloppy muddy mess.
  • The Annual Wine and Food Festival is sponsored by McDonalds, Wendy’s and Arby’s
  • A giant 120 MPH roller coaster is built on top of the Francis Marion Hotel to bring in quirky shock value tourists and the Gaillard Auditorium is now an indoor water park called Dolphin Land.
  • Boone Hall Plantation, in an attempt to stir up a little controversy, does their annual Civil War re-enactment where the South wins the Civil War.
  • Nicholas Sparks is commissioned to write, direct and film The Notebook 2 in Charleston, SC.? In this version a cure of Alzheimer Disease is found and more stories are shared.

    Watch our Charlie, the groundhog is lurking.
  • Charleston, West Ashley, Daniel Island and parts of James Island are merged to form Charlestonia
  • A peninsula encompassing retractable dome is built from Spring Street to the Battery to solve the city flooding issues.
  • Folly Beach becomes the new official spot for the Annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and Joey Chestnut relocates to Charleston.
  • Charleston gets its first professional team.? A new NBA franchise moves in called the Charleston Oysters
The ghosts have all gone away
The ghosts have all gone away

Welcome to the new Charleston.? Help us Conde Nast!

Annual Cooper River Bridge 10K Mud Challenge
Annual Cooper River Bridge 10K Mud Challenge

 

Darius born in Atlanta...
Darius born in Atlanta…

 

Hot Dog Eating Contest at Folly Beach
Hot Dog Eating Contest at Folly Beach