Funny Charleston Headlines (Though Not True, Certainly Could Be)

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One of the joys of the Lowcountry is our light-hearted sense of humor as we deal with some of the annoying nuances of life down here.

Based on just everyday observations, we compiled some silly headlines, that in an alternative universe could very well be true.

Funny Charleston Headlines:

  • George Sink Sued for Advertising Pollution
  • National Diabetes Outbreak Linked to Charleston Tourism
  • Charleston Mayor Challenges New York City Mayor to Instagram Competition
  • Shortage of Line Cooks Due to Restaurant Explosion in the Lowcountry Forces Local Government to Offer Free Culinary Training to the Homeless
  • Guinness World Records Recognizes Charleston for Having the Most Cranes in a City Metro for the Longest Amount of Time
  • Lowcountry Breweries Band Together to Influence Legislation Banning PBR, Coors and Budweiser from the Area
  • Civil War Re-enactments Postponed Until All Actors Go Through Sensitivity Training
  • Darius Rucker and Blowfish Producing Broadway Show in the Lowcountry – Remembering 1999: 90’s Mellow Rock Revival
  • Charleston County Introduces New Shuttle Plane Service to Alleviate Traffic Pressures by Flying Commuters to Work
  • Seasonal Retractable Bubble Across the Peninsula to Be Built and Used During Hot Humid Days and Hurricane Season
  • Mosquito named official bird of the Lowcountry
  • Charleston County Governments Halts all Tax and Rent Increases for Two Years Citing that Area has Exceeded National Inflationary Growth
  • Toll Booths to Be Installed on 526 and Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge to Fund Road Construction Projects
  • Drones Funded to Evaluate Traffic Issues and Deliver Drinks/Food to Drivers Stuck in Rush Hour
  • Charleston Named #1 Location in the United States for Festivals Per Capita
  • Population of Dogs exceeds Humans for the First Time in the Lowcountry

Have a great Friday and Weekend

 

Media Release: Dear Prospective New Charleston Residents – Charleston is Officially Closed

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By Mark A. Leon

This is going to come as a shock to many who have already rented Uhaul trucks, looked at Google Maps and prepped road trip meals and gas breaks, but in a major announcement, Charleston has been declared closed to new residents.

After a massive public uprising, the powers above have made a declaration stating the reasons why it would not be prudent to move here:

  1. We don’t have a professional sports team (ok, major professional).? Think about this for a moment.? Charleston has a comparable cost of living to Chicago (this is truth) and they have the World Series Champion Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks and the Chicago Fire.
  2. Contrary to popular belief, Bill Murray doesn’t always like to be bothered out in public. Besides, he is rarely in town anyway. You have a better chance of spotting a dolphin doing the backstroke.
  3. I know Charleston flaunts unseasonably warm winters, but it does snow. In fact, we recently got enough to shut down our international airport for three days, businesses were shut down and schools were closed.? It was mayhem and panic in the streets.
  4. We hide it well on social media, but the Lowcountry has a bit of a traffic issue. Structurally, this small coastal community wasn’t built for the size it has become and it becomes apparent during those busy rush hours.
  5. It is illegal to drink on our beaches. Do you really want to go to the beach and not be able to relax with a cold one?? Really??
  6. Our mascots are a Cougar, a Bulldog, and a big floppy eared dog. We are dorky and so unoriginal.? You deserve better.
  7. Southern pride isn’t for everyone. It is an acquired taste that has taken hundreds of years to obtain.
  8. If you aren’t an SEC or ACC fan, you are an outsider and who wants to be an outsider?
  9. We are much too expensive for you all. Charleston is 31% above the national cost of living average, our sales tax is 9.5% on everything including clothes, 10.5% restaurant food tax and 15% restaurant alcohol tax.? We feel bad putting that financial burden on y’all.
  10. We don’t even have a Macy’s or Tiffany’s or Lord & Taylor
  11. Charleston does not have a 24-hour coffee shop. What happens when you get that late-night inspiration and you need coffee?? You are out of luck my friend.
  12. You must experience it to believe it, but the heat and humidity have a life of their own during the summer. And do we have a summer.? It lasts for 9 months.
  13. With all our fried food, your New Years Resolution will go right out the window.? See how much we care.

We apologize for any inconvenience and wish you all the best of luck.

What to Say to Make a Charlestonian Mad

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By Mark A. Leon

You really want to know what to say to put Charlestonian’s in a mood; make us mad; crank our gears; light the flare of fury?? You get the point.? Not much makes us upset or fuels our loins, but here are a few things folks can say to locals to get them going.

Things You Can Say to a Charlestonian to Make Them Mad

  • Tell us we are not a top Southern foodie town – We take our food seriously.? We take our chefs even more seriously.? In Charleston, a chef can be treated as well as an A-List actor in Hollywood.? Food is a cultural apex in Charleston and if you step foot onto our soil and tell us we are just “ok” in the culinary arts, we will most likely send you out of town, but not before we give you a mouthful (words, that is).
  • Tell us that guns should be illegal – You want to strike up a heated debate on any Charleston street corner, mention the need for gun control or the elimination of guns.? SEWE (Southeast Wildlife Expo) is one of the biggest events in Charleston for a reason.? There are few locals without at least one firearm to go with their fishing and golf gear.? Many have multiple.? Careful what you say if you are a big anti-gun lobbyist.
  • Tell us we love having Northerners move to Charleston.? It adds to the diversity – Have you seen a “Go Back to Ohio” bumper sticker.? I would be surprised if you haven’t.? Since the economic slide in late 2008, northerners have migrated in droves to sunny Charleston.? They have looked for new opportunities and a new beginning.? The economy has recovered, but not the pace of the migration.? Many want to put the plug on this for good.
  • Traffic isn’t that bad compared to other big cities – That is a pretty stupid comparison.? New York, Chicago, Los Angeles are massive urban sectors with 20 to 40 times our population.? Charleston is a coastal peninsula that was not built to handle the roadway traffic with its current infrastructure.? Don’t bring up traffic if you don’t want to experience some road rage.
  • Tell us that housing is really cheap here – A one bedroom in downtown Charleston will run you about $1100 – $1300 with an average of $100 a month for electric (we need our air-conditioning) and $120 for cable and internet.? Don’t forget you have to pay an annual tax for your vehicle as well.? So $1500 a month for a one bedroom is cheap.? Check other parts of the country.? We are peaking up quickly as one of the higher costs of living.
  • Tell us we have ample parking for a mid sized city – In 2009, a parking ticket was $10.00.? Now it is $45.00.? The Battery used to be 2 hour free non-residential parking and free after 6 PM until 8 AM the next day and free on weekends.? Now it is 1 hour from 8 AM to 8 PM (including weekends).? The number of meters in relation to the activities (SC Aquarium, College of Charleston, TCF Bank Arena, Theater District, Restaurants, Market, Art Galleries, etc.) is not proportionate.? Also, the rates in parking garages have increased comparatively to the cost of living adjustments .
  • Tell us the dating scene is easy – If you ask around, you are going to hear crazy ratios of male to female with females having anywhere from a 4:1 to 7:1 ratio.? The truth is that Charleston is 52.5% female and 47.5% male.? Yes, females have an advantage, but that isn’t the core issue.? With so many transplants and growth of businesses like Boeing, BenefitFocus Volvo and Blackbaud, online dating has increased in popularity.? Add the factor of our drinking and social culture and nailing down a commitment is one of the hardest things to do here in Charleston.
  • Ask us if flooding is an issue in Charleston – Some of us may just laugh at you, while others may show off their insurance claims.? Many of us have more than one flood damage claim that we can lay stake to.? Either way, we don’t like to talk about the flooding.? It is almost impossible to avoid.
  • Tell us Hyman’s has the best seafood – Billy Joel ate there.? Their coupons are everywhere from the Visitor’s Center to every cruise ship that docks.? They are situated right off the market.? Still, great marketing, but not the best in town.? Not even close.? They are a fine restaurant, but they are as known in these parts as George Sink and Jeff Cook.
  • Ask us our thoughts on the Confederate Flag – Do I really need to explain this one.? Just look at any given local news broadcast since June of 2015.
  • Ask us to openly talk about racism and race related issues – We keep relatively quiet about any discussions about race and we seem to be alright with that.? We are not saying there is or is not an issue, but we reserve those conversations for friends and family, outside of the public eye.

There you have it.? What you can say to a local Charleston resident to get them mad.? Please don’t.

Recommended Marketing Slogans for the New Charleston, SC

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Now that Charleston, South Carolina is transforming to a new look and feel, we thought it would be nice to provide some marketing recommendations to help assist our tourism board.

We have compiled some taglines that we feel provide a realistic look at the new Charleston.? We hope you can relate and maybe even put a few of them close to your heart.

Charleston, South Carolina Marketing Slogan Recommendations

  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Home of Geriatrics and Drunks
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? The Crane Capital of the United States
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where $600 can pay the rent for a month for a homeless family, but we would rather spend it on one night at a downtown boutique hotel
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? If the flooding doesn’t destroy your car, the potholes will
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where Prime Real Estate is anything not near a construction site
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where diversity is choosing between French Fries or Sweet Potato Fries
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where cholesterol and smoking are part of the our diet
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where Rush Hour means stopping at a bar for a beer because you ain’t moving
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where being green means separating your craft beer cans from domestic beer cans
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where you can find a brewery or lawyer on any street corner
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Where there is a festival for everything and we mean everything
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? Move here quickly before we sink into the harbor
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? The Neverland of the South – Where you never have to grow up
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? The city formally owned by Charleston
  • Welcome to Charleston, SC:? The cosmopolitan capital of South Carolina

A Folly Starfish Christmas Story

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By Minta Pavliscsak

It was Christmas Eve in our little slice of Folly Under the Sea. This year things around me seemed more calm than usual. Everyfish seemed to be ahead of the typical hustle and bustle of the season. That is, every fish except for me. I like to live in the here and now, which means I am really good when it comes to what others view as procrastinating. I like to think of it more as I work well under pressure. That aside, I was bobbing from store to store as quickly as I could but a starfish can only go as fast as the current takes him and today the current was in no rush.

Somehow I managed to squeak in grocery shopping, picking up my famous last minute –but always perfect– gifts, visiting a few friends, and even getting a relaxing arm massage at Sacred Arm Massage & Healing Arts. Floating home, I looked around at all the happy fish. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was glistening brightly through the waves. There were even surfboards overhead, and not a shark sighting all day. The small fish were playing with each other and singing carols in anticipation of what tonight would bring. The bigger fish were holding hands and sneaking kisses, just as giddy as the little ones.

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Finally making it home, I put on my favorite Michael Bubble Christmas album and started wrapping presents. Later that evening, I enjoyed the sunset in my back sand where I could see the human’s Folly Christmas tree off in the distance. Those humans are so creative! Who would think to put a Christmas tree on the beach anyway? ?After Christmas Eve dinner and appeasing carol singers who literally would not leave until I gave them figgy pudding –good thing I picked up dates at the store– I finally settled in to rest until Christmas day.

However, it was a restless sleep, and when I did drift off I had crazy dreams. One was of a psychedelic octopus. He just kind of joyfully floated in one spot, smiling and waving almost glowing in the surf. And then I woke up. Then there was the dream of a sandcastle Santa Claus. Had I seen the humans building one on the beach? Had Santa visited me and I sleepily caught him? Was Santa Claus really made out of sand? The psychedelic octopus seemed to make more sense than that! Maybe I was just as excited as every fish else that I had seen the day before. After all, Christmas is my most favorite of all the holidays. And even after all these years, I have never stopped believing. I gave into my excitement and floated out of bed, cranked up the Bubble, and got ready for the day.

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As I put on my funny Santa attire, the smile that would remain ever present for the day crept across my face. How silly of me to think there would be sleep on the eve of today of all days! The doorbell rang. My friends and family had arrived. It was the beginning of another perfect Christmas Under the Folly Sea.

From our family to yours,
Happy Christmas, Merry Everything!

Never Stop Believing

What if Charleston Wasn’t the #1 City?

By Mark A. Leon
By Mark A. Leon

Let us close our eyes for a moment.? Suspend our understanding of reality and imagine we are transported into another parallel universe.? The date, time and location are the same, but the city of Charleston, as we know it, no longer exists in its present state.? We were not voted the Top City in the United States or one of the top in the world.? We didn’t even make the list.

What would Charleston look like if we weren’t number one? Here is the new Charleston (Insert creepy science fiction music)

  • Due to the lost revenue we are not getting from tourism, toll booths are added to the Cooper River Bridge causing massive back ups in and out of the city (Even worse than they are now).
  • Ghost tours are down forcing all the local area ghosts to move to Boca Raton, Florida and reminding the residents there that they will be neighbors from beyond soon.? They also provide training classes for those that choose an eternal career of ghouling.
  • Ohio is now the official sister state of South Carolina with New Jersey serving as the runner up in the event that Ohio is blown away by a nuclear missile or zombie infiltration.
  • Carnival Cruises have cancelled all port stops in Charleston.? Now only pirate and Viking ships dock
    Toll booths on the Cooper River Bridge

    in our harbor.

  • Joe Riley Stadium is officially changed to Caddyshack Field.? We need all the help we can to bring in more tourists.
  • Darius Rucker in a stunning announcement on Access Hollywood announces he was really born in Atlanta, Georgia.
  • The Cooper River Run is replaced with a 10K Mud Challenge where the span of the bridge and King Street are transplanted into a sloppy muddy mess.
  • The Annual Wine and Food Festival is sponsored by McDonalds, Wendy’s and Arby’s
  • A giant 120 MPH roller coaster is built on top of the Francis Marion Hotel to bring in quirky shock value tourists and the Gaillard Auditorium is now an indoor water park called Dolphin Land.
  • Boone Hall Plantation, in an attempt to stir up a little controversy, does their annual Civil War re-enactment where the South wins the Civil War.
  • Nicholas Sparks is commissioned to write, direct and film The Notebook 2 in Charleston, SC.? In this version a cure of Alzheimer Disease is found and more stories are shared.

    Watch our Charlie, the groundhog is lurking.
  • Charleston, West Ashley, Daniel Island and parts of James Island are merged to form Charlestonia
  • A peninsula encompassing retractable dome is built from Spring Street to the Battery to solve the city flooding issues.
  • Folly Beach becomes the new official spot for the Annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and Joey Chestnut relocates to Charleston.
  • Charleston gets its first professional team.? A new NBA franchise moves in called the Charleston Oysters
The ghosts have all gone away
The ghosts have all gone away

Welcome to the new Charleston.? Help us Conde Nast!

Annual Cooper River Bridge 10K Mud Challenge
Annual Cooper River Bridge 10K Mud Challenge

 

Darius born in Atlanta...
Darius born in Atlanta…

 

Hot Dog Eating Contest at Folly Beach
Hot Dog Eating Contest at Folly Beach

Ask a Woman – The Retired Mensch

Paul & Cathy 5x7
Rather than listen to the town fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters debate the merits of a boutique hotel on a busy downtown thoroughfare in Summerville, the Mensch chose to accompany Mrs. Mensch to an awards ceremony for a friend. I came away from the ceremony knowing I had made the right choice.

Summerville’s weekly newspaper, The Journal-Scene, has a unique niche in promoting and developing community spirit by giving awards for different categories of people. Wednesday, November 12, was recognition night for ten “Women to Watch in 2014”. It was a simple affair at the Holiday Inn Express in Summerville. Who knew the Holiday Inn Express had these great meeting rooms? Not the folks who want new meeting space downtown, apparently.

No expense was spared: there were adult beverages – Kirkland’s finest wines, a few snacks of crackers and cheese, sandwich wraps, salads for the crackers and cookies. What else could you ask for? A brief ceremony? Yes! Short and sweet and to the point, just what an awards ceremony should be.
Frank Johnson, the host and J-S editor, introduced each winner with a few words that succinctly captured her accomplishments to be named a “Woman to Watch in 2014”. The introduction was accompanied by a photograph of the recipient on the big screen. Unlike those blabby “stars” who seem to go on forever thanking people at an awards show, each of these women said a few words of thanks in under two minutes.

What struck me most about each woman was her humility. One said, “I’m just doing my job, which I love”. Another said she was blessed to be able to help people in poor health and to give back to the community. In one way or another they all said the same thing: “what I accomplished was due to efforts of other people”, “it is not about me” and “I’m the beneficiary of good people around me.”

The women had been nominated by their friends and family. What a mix of women and accomplishments: an HIV survivor, a middle school principal, a teacher, a health care worker, an arts volunteer, a community development activist, a school counselor. There were African-American women, white women, young women, old women, middle-aged women, blonds, brunettes, tall, short, thin, not-so-thin, single, married, pregnant, mothers, grandmothers, widows. Ordinary women who do extraordinary things.

What great lessons in leadership these women give to their families, friends and co-workers.

“Women to Watch” has been going on since 2007. With ten winners a year for seven years, there are 70 “Women to Watch” award winners in Summerville. I can only imagine that the boutique hotel would not be the brouhaha it is if some of these women had been involved.? For that, we thank them for their wisdom and courage.